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“The Cheap Crazy Doctor” is an acting dialog for ESL/EFL students to practice and act out


Language Arts  


4, 5, 6  

Title – The Cheap Crazy Doctor
By – Joshua Wells
Primary Subject – Language Arts
Grade Level – 4-6


Note from Mr. Wells sent this English as a Second or Foreign Language lesson from the Oriental English College International School located in Bao, an education district in Shenzhen, China.

The Cheap Crazy Doctor:
A dialog to practice and act out!
By Joshua W. Wells


  • Crazy Doctor
  • Nurse
  • Patient 1: has red and black spots on face
  • Patient 2: has a big lump on their back
  • Patient 3: walks with a bad limp
  • Patient 4: has a gigantic ear
  • Patient 5: has a limb growing out of their back


This dialog takes place in a very busy doctor’s office in a hospital in a big city, like Shenzhen. There is a table/desk for the nurse, and six chairs for the patients.


Nurse: All of you take a number and I will call you when the doctor is in.

Patient 1: Where are the numbers?

Nurse: Over here in this little box. Please take a seat and I’ll let you know when the doctor arrives.

Patient 2: I’m so worried! I can’t wait so long here! When will he arrive?

Nurse: Please be patient, patient! I will let you know! His bus is caught in the traffic in Shenzhen! He’ll be here, don’t worry!


{Patients sit and talk to each other}


Patient 3: I woke up this morning and one leg was shorter than the other one! I don’t how this happened! Yesterday, my legs were normal, not like this!

Patient 4: Well, look at me! Yesterday, both of my ears were normal, too. I woke up this morning and one ear was just… HUGE! My wife won’t talk to me.

Patient 5: You think that’s bad? Look at me! I had an apple with my supper last night and now I’ve got a limb growing out of my neck! My {husband/wife} won’t talk to me! What will I do?


{Doctor arrives}


Nurse: It’s about time you got here! You’ve got five patients waiting to see you, Dr. Cee. Some of them look pretty bad to me.

Doctor: Let me get my instruments and all my medicines. Just be a minute.

Nurse: Doctor Cee is ready for see you now. Who has #1? Please come in.

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?

Patient 1: Doctor Cee, it’s these spots! I woke up this morning and my face is covered with red and black spots! I tried using soap to get them off and they won’t come off!

Doctor: Did you try using water?

Patient 1: Of course I used water!

Doctor: Here, take this medicine and come back in a week. The spots will be gone. That will be 1 rmb. Next patient please!

Nurse: Patient #2. Give me your number and the Doctor will see you now.

Doctor: What seems to be your problem?

Patient 2: It’s this lump on my back, Doctor. I didn’t have this yesterday.

Doctor: What did you have for dinner?

Patient: Rice, some fish, vegetables, nothing unusual.

Doctor: It’s the rice that did this. You shouldn’t eat rice.

Patient 2: But, Doctor, I’m Chinese! All Chinese people eat rice! I love rice!

Doctor: Listen to me! You must stop eating rice or else the lump on your back will just get bigger and bigger! No more rice for you. That will be 2 rmb. Nurse, send me the next patient.

Nurse: Give me your number. You can go in now.

Doctor: What seems to be your problem?

Patient 3: It’s my left leg, Doctor. It’s shorter than the other one.

Doctor: What is so wrong with that?

Patient 3: Doctor, yesterday, both of my legs were the same length. Now one is shorter than the other one.

Doctor: Well, just roll up your pants and no one will notice this.

Patient 3: Doctor, I want both legs to be the same, like before!


{Doctor pulls out a saw.}


Doctor: Roll up your trousers.

Patient 3: What are you going to do to me?

Doctor: I will cut 5 inches from the longer leg and then glue them together, then you’ll be normal again!

Patient 3: Aaahhhhh! I can’t stand the sight of blood! You can’t do this to me!

Doctor: Suit yourself. You can walk around all your life with a limp or you can let me saw your leg off. It’s your choice.

Patient 3: I guess I’ll just walk with a limp. I’m scared of blood.


{Patient 3 leaves.}


Nurse: The Doctor is ready to see patient 4. Please give me your number.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem, {sir/madam}?

Patient 4: It’s this ear, Doctor. When I woke up this morning, my ear was this huge!

Doctor: Are your parents elephants?

Patient: Of course not!

Doctor: Are they monkeys?

Patient 4: Of course not!

Doctor: {He takes out large scissors.} I can cut the ear down to match the other ear, or I can give you this medicine so the other ear grows larger. Take you choice.

Patient: I’m scared of blood! I don’t want two large ears! Isn’t there anything else you can do?

Doctor: This medicine will take three months to work, but if you take it your ear will get smaller.

Patient: How much?

Doctor: It’s quite expensive… about 5 rmb.

Patient: Aaahhh! So expensive!

Doctor: Will you let me cut it down for you?

Patient: I suppose so, but don’t hurt me.


{Doctor takes the scissors and cuts down the ear while the patient screams and screams. He throws the ‘pieces of ear’ to the floor.}


Doctor: My dog will eat those.

Patient 4: Your dog eats human ears?

Doctor: He thinks they’re tasty. There, now your ears are the same size. That will be 3 rmb. You can go now.

Nurse: The Doctor is ready for the next patient. Please give me your number.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient 5: It’s this branch, Doctor. When I woke up this morning, there was this branch growing out of my neck. I don’t know what to do!

Doctor: Is your mother a tree?

Patient: No!

Doctor: Is your father a tree?

Patient: Of course not!

Doctor: Sit here and I will saw it off. But in 3 weeks it will grow again. Looks like it comes from an apple tree. You must stop eating apples, sir.

Patient: No apples? But I LOVE apples!

Doctor: Stop eating apples and oranges, too. If you don’t, the branch will grow back in 3 weeks.

Patient: AAAAhhhhhhhh! This is so painful! This hurts!

Doctor: Stop crying! Do you wish to look normal again? Stop crying! {He throws the branch to the ground.} There, I’m all done! That will be 2 rmb.

Nurse: How much money did we make today, my dear husband?

Doctor: 10 rmb. Let’s get some noodle pots and sit in the park! {They leave.}


The End

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